the new experiment

Finally, a long overdue start to this personal site.

Perfectionism prevented me from making the first step. I’ve moved my writing and blogging from platform to platform, but never owning or valuing my own thoughts. I looked at others before me, who have built up their own space on the internet and thought that I’m way behind and don’t have anything that valuable to contribute.

It took some reframing of perspective - I’m here to express myself. Why am I firstly judging myself, and being so afraid of getting judged? It shouldn’t matter, seeing how small my voice in this noisy world is. Perhaps it’s a whisper now. Perhaps it’s a step forward in finding my voice and clarity. And if these writings resonate with someone else, that’s an extra brownie point. I’m here to bring together my view of the world, with all my experiences and context, to a digital safe space.

End of 2019, I set out to focus on some 2020 goals. One of it was making the personal website happen some time in Q2. But plans fell apart after a pandemic hit and I wasn’t able to focus on what I had set out to do. It’s sounds kinda convenient to blame it on Covid-19. However, without having to adapt to the new normal and having all that time in the world during lockdown to just BE with myself - all my racing thoughts and intense emotions - I may not have gotten to where I am today emotionally and mentally. Late as it might have been, the website did happen afterall!!

In crisis, we either thrive, survive, or die. I was fortunate enough to be healthy, housed, and employed. But I was learning to survive in the new normal - managing my mental health alongside work and having no energy left to strive for any more than that. Thankfully, the choice to invest time and energy into therapy and innerwork has helped me transitioned towards making self-care and self-love a priority.

The intent for creating this little nook on the internet for myself is part of my journey of healing, and consolidating - or integrating- my different selves. Writing here is a way for me to learn to take up space. To hold space for myself. For far too long, I’ve feared being too much, too intense, taking up too much space, yet I don’t feel that I’m enough. This is the paradox I’ve lived with, and I’ve since internalised that it doesn’t have to be this way. I can be enough, I need to constantly remind myself. To actualise this realisation will take more work in undoing all the unhelpful internal beliefs I’ve held.

So, this space would be for me to experiment and express; to listen to myself.

the experiment

Principles I want to start off with:

  • Perfect is the enemy of done
  • Whatever I’m doing should feel enjoyable; not unnecessarily stressful
  • Keep it simple

I’m going to allow myself to take this experiment step by step.

A huge barrier for me was the aim of customising a site on my own without sufficient coding knowledge. I procrastinated and shoved it in the back burner because there were just so many other things that demanded attention and energy. Learning to code a website or make decisions on which platform to start on was just another source of stress and anxiety.

I’ve come to a compromise with myself. Instead of being rigid with the goal that felt unattainable, I shifted my view of success. Success at this stage means shipping out a website, even if it’s a simple one right now.

What I truly wanted is a space to house and examine my thoughts, and to learn publicly. By the time this is posted, I should have met that metric of success - shipping a website. I’m definitely feeling proud of achieving this first milestone!

a blank canvas for expression

A personal website means I don’t have to conform to what’s popular on a particular platform, and I have this space as a blank canvas. I will likely blur the lines between my personal and professional learnings. Eventually I hope to find a niche. But right now, it’s exploratory.

What I’m learning in product management can also be applied to my personal life. I see myself as a product and system that’s always a work in progress, always up for rebalancing, optimisation and better design. I’m still trying to connect the dots.

What’s my value proposition? I’m not sure at the moment, but I’ll figure it out.

It has always been a journey. I’m excited by the possibilities; to uncover all the places I could reach, and the learnings that I would seek.

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